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During this time of year many of us are reflecting on our in lives in gratitude for the things, people, and opportunities we have; whether in celebration of Thanksgiving or in preparation of the Christmas season. I know of many families who have traditions of sharing their yearly blessings around the dinner table during special meals.
I think we can all agree that feeling grateful does not occur as often or come as easy as we would like. Sure, we are thankful for things, especially when we stop to reflect; yet it is common to be overwhelmed by the tragedies of living in a world full of injustices, violence, pain and loss. Optimistic by nature, I actively look for my blessings giving me a refreshed perceptive on many aspects of my life. However, even when I'm way up and I feel blessed, straight up some days it feel impossible to feel thankfulness in the face of the darkness in the world. Sometimes I feel like I haven't had a good time in a long time, you know?
I have realized that maybe we need to stop treating gratitude as a feeling. Feelings can be illogical; they drive us to behave in strange ways like crying, screaming, or ranting about Coca-Cola commercials. Feelings are mysterious; they can change within a moment and are not permanent expressions. They are the things featured in countless works of art and music yet unable to ever be fully captured.
Instead, perhaps thankfulness should be seen as an action. We may not feel grateful when we pay the total at the grocery store see but we can practice gratitude by appreciating the food we bought. Every day we may not wake up with a smile on our face to the 5AM alarm but we can train ourselves to think of a positive, appreciative thought over or alongside a negative one.
This practice of training yourself to have more positive, thankful thoughts is by no means easy. So, if you are struggling to find blessings in your life, do not think that I am giving you solution to finding total happiness (whatever that actually means). Do not think that I am dismissing the reality that life is difficult and painful; it may sound ridiculous to suggest a better life can be achieved by waking up and thinking good thoughts.
Nevertheless, I am confident that actively reflecting on the positive aspects in your life will make you appreciate the things, people and opportunities you have and help you feel fulfilled. It is something to do all year, not just when prompted. It is not the emotion of thankfulness but the action that will enrich your life for the better.
Some ideas for actively practicing gratitude:
-every night list 3 things you are thankful for that day
-begin a gratitude journal
-write a letter or message to a friend and thank them for their friendship
-go through the alphabet and say something you are thankful beginning with each letter
-when stuck in negativity, change your surroundings and focus on that space
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Blessed with technology, loving parents, and a sweet puppy waiting for me in the US |
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| Grateful for sunshine, the rooftop terrace, and my housemate's cat |
Now, if you are willing, I am asking you to add something deeper to your understanding of gratitude. This will be far less enjoyable than actively counting your blessings but I believe it is essential for personal growth, forming and maintaining relationships and interacting responsibly within society.
It is not enough to be thankful for what you have. You also need to acknowledge the advantages you have compared to others.
This concept, even when presented in a mild statement, causes a strong, defensive feeling within us. We think of the ways others have more than us first (rather than how we have more than others). We are terrified of our hard-work being ignored. We are quick to explain that we are not like those people who are ignorant to the problems or inequalities of others.
And most of all, we have all felt personally disadvantaged before due to circumstances beyond our control.
Maybe you were the small, skinny kid, called names in school and never picked in gym class or the smart teacher's pet who never had many friends. Perhaps you grew up without a father and every Father's Day and sports event was a painful reminder. Maybe you were the girl not allowed to wear pants or the boy mocked for excelling in home economic class.
We all have stories of feeling excluded, left out or different from our peers, coworkers, classmates or family. These events and feelings were formative, sometimes painfully so, and these stories are a part of us. People's experiences should not be downplayed or ignored but instead discussed with vulnerability and respect.
However, we must distinguish that there are inequalities if comparing different experiences.
A person who was once overweight and now has the 'ideal' body weight may carry internal scars of name-calling and feelings of shame. They may still feel the stereotypes placed upon them by greater society such as lazy, ugly, or unintelligent. They may still feel like an outsider to certain social circles and have trouble loving and accepting themselves despite their ability to be considered 'normal'.
A person of color may also have feelings of shame and scars from name-calling. Stereotypes are also place upon them such as lazy, greedy, and the valuing of athletic ability over intelligence. They surely feel like an outsider to certain social circles and can be seen as someone representing their entire race or background if the group does have much experience with diverse people.
One big difference is that they can never change their body or background. They will always be seen as a person of color by employment opportunities, educational institutions, the media and Hollywood. A community can have no hate against them and total respect for their different life experiences; yet they still live in a society which is institutionally racist.
Both the stigma towards overweight people and people of color are not born in a single community. Within our minds, taught by society and against our conscious thought, we have stereotypes and are surprised if we meet a person who does not embody that stereotype. In movies and TV the lead actors are usually thin, white people while the 'fat guy' or 'black girl' play the funny friend. There is a part of you that finds it strange to meet a physically active overweight person or a 'well-spoken' POC.
This is not to make anyone feel guilty or ashamed. It is merely a fact that society has taught us certain stereotypes that are impossible to ignore or completely forget.
When I see a young man of color walking down the street at night, I cross the road thinking he could be dangerous. I assume a housekeeper is a woman and I usually have the mental image of a woman of color. When I think of the word politician I think of a white man. Despite firmly believing that any person can work any job if they have the qualifications I still have roles assigned in my mind based on gender and race.
Feeling bad? Well...good. Don't allow it to pull you into complacency but use these feelings to propel you into mindfulness and maybe research about systematic inequalities if you feeling ambitious.
First, I challenge you to be mindful about your own social circles and how your language can be inclusive or exclusive. Complaining about not being able to choose the perfect Christmas gift for someone? Maybe the person you are speaking to is struggling to afford any Christmas gifts. Had too much food to cook on Thanksgiving? Perhaps someone in the room is worried about having enough. Think the story of your drunken antics will be an hilarious hit? It's possible that intoxication and addiction has scarred someone deeply in the group.
Also, I dare you to look at the ways that you personally have advantages compared to others. How has your life been easier being born in your country of origin rather than being an emigrant? How would life have been different if you had a foreign accent? Have you ever got a job because someone you knew put a good word in? Do you ever say jokes that you would not say around a certain group of people? Was it expected of you to go to college? When you think of the color of 'skin-toned' what color do you think of? What type of hair or hairstyles do you consider 'normal'?
You can never understand the way another person experiences life but you can attempt to see it from their perspective. You can look inside of yourself and explore the ways society has taught you to judge and see the differences between people. With time and grace you can ask yourself the hard questions and grow in awareness.
You can still enjoy the flowering trees and sunshine. But hopefully, with a little more consciousness of self and society, you will be able to feel even more grateful for your blessings.
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| Jacaranda trees in Plaza Francia in Recoleta, Buanos Aires |
Interested in discussing this more? Want to explore what privilege means, tell me why you disagree or just talk? Feel free to email me at reasonablyjoyful@gmail.com
