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| Confianza: image found on Google Argentina |
The beginning of a new year undeniably feels like a fresh start. Even if you are against making ambitious resolutions, it is true that everywhere you look you are reminded that this time of the year is different. There are end-of-the-year countdowns, fireworks and the struggle of writing the correct date. The news reports on the first baby born and the first person murdered (typically different people).
Personally, I did not make any resolutions because I still have goals from last year taking up my mental space. However, I did keep the practice of choosing a guiding word for the year, inspired by dearest friend Karen Wicker.
My word of choice last year was Embrace. It helped me to be fully present and actively participate in interactions. The word guided me to applying for this year of international service, reminding me that in order to grow and live a life I have dreamed about, I need to embrace big and scary changes. I physically hugged people more often and tried new things even if I was hesitant. This word was one that I meditated on throughout the 12 months; upon reflection, it helped me increase my awareness and make changes in my life for the better - in both big and small ways.
This year's word is Confianza (con-fee-AN-sa). Obviously related to the English word confidence, this word means more than merely feeling strong in yourself. It is also the word for trust such as "tener confianza en tus amigos" or "to have trust in your friends". Some of the English synonyms are confidence, trust, reliance, faith, reliability and belief.
I first learned this word during a retreat I had with my fellow program volunteers. Our first afternoon together in the tranquil retreat center, we sat down and spoke of our experiences so far. Paola and Monica were the facilitators in this discussion, guiding us through the sharing this unique time in our lives.
Out of the numerous descriptive words we used, confianza was the one that truly stood out. Confianza in ourselves, confianza in other people and confianza in God.
This word fascinated me with its layered meanings and due to it's significance to our group, I chose it to guide me this year. Furthermore, my personality is already pretty confident and open to trusting in the Divine and others.
Only a few days after New Year's Eve, I was doubting my word of choice. Maybe I should have chosen a theme that requires more active attention such as Patience or Time Management. A word that will drive me towards obvious improvement like Study or Exercise or Stop-Eating-So-Much-Dulce-De-Leche.
However, in this past week, I realized confianza is lacking in my life.
The first time I noticed it was when riding the bus to my worksite. I had stayed up too late and overslept, meaning I would be arriving 4 hours later than originally intended. There were no formal sessions or workshops this week but a group of us were cleaning and painting the building. Still, anxious thoughts filled my mind: what if they are upset I'm late? what if Rami tells another joke and I don't get it and don't laugh? what if doesn't tell a joke but I laugh thinking he did? do they think I am the worst volunteer since my Spanish is so bad? do they even like me? A large, irrational part of me simply wanted to return back to the comfort of my bed.
Yet, I realized how little trust I was having in the people at my work. Authentic people who have been nothing but kind, patient, and accepting. People who genuinely make me feel welcomed every time I enter the brightly colored doors. Not only was I lacking confidence in myself but also lacking trust in the people who have so graciously and very literally open their doors to me.
Another time, a few days later, I traveled to Buenos Aires for an acamparmento which was a camp for the high school youth of the IELU. I traveled alone, which is not uncommon, and I took the familiar bus, train, subway route to the station of Retiro to get on the train line towards the municipality of Hurlingham.
While the day before was in the mid-90s, this day was rainy and chilly, especially in my tank top and shorts. My morning became even grayer when I missed my stop on the train. After backtracking and spending an unneeded 10 pesos, I arrived to the right station. Quickly I realized how poor of quality my directions were and I wandered around for awhile, feeling too nervous to ask anyone for help and altogether bad.
There was a strong uncertainty in myself but also an unwillingness to trust in anything or anyone else. During this time, I berated myself for not understanding the directions before leaving the house, for not having the courage to ask someone for assistance and for not wearing a sweater.
I tried to clear my head and focus on whom I do trust, which is God. I have faith in a Creator, in a Supreme Being who is always with us, there to guide our feet and light our path. Yet in a time of anxiety I am so quick to close up, to focus only on what I can tangibly do to change my situation. Often we are believers during the bright, happy times yet chose to walk alone in the mud and the rain.
So I prayed. And I thought of all the people who are praying for me and how I am not alone spiritually even if I am physically a little lost, standing alone under an umbrella in an upscale neighborhood.
Unsurprisingly, a weight was lifted off me. Even though I was hours late and lost, I relaxed. I was able to admire the lush plants being nourished by the rain and the marvels of modern architecture. I was able to loosen up and ask a woman where a certain street was located. Then I asked someone else since I didn't understand the first person. By the time I made it to my destination, the doubts were quelled and I felt prepared to begin a fun weekend.
Confianza is something internal but certainly not a solitary road of self-improvement. Because in order to have it, others are a part of the equation. Trusting that a group of people will be authentic, open and wanting you to join. Trusting that no matter where you go - whether planned or by mistake - that a higher power is with you.
Chose a word to guide you and you may be surprised how much it is missing from your life.
Personally, I did not make any resolutions because I still have goals from last year taking up my mental space. However, I did keep the practice of choosing a guiding word for the year, inspired by dearest friend Karen Wicker.
My word of choice last year was Embrace. It helped me to be fully present and actively participate in interactions. The word guided me to applying for this year of international service, reminding me that in order to grow and live a life I have dreamed about, I need to embrace big and scary changes. I physically hugged people more often and tried new things even if I was hesitant. This word was one that I meditated on throughout the 12 months; upon reflection, it helped me increase my awareness and make changes in my life for the better - in both big and small ways.
This year's word is Confianza (con-fee-AN-sa). Obviously related to the English word confidence, this word means more than merely feeling strong in yourself. It is also the word for trust such as "tener confianza en tus amigos" or "to have trust in your friends". Some of the English synonyms are confidence, trust, reliance, faith, reliability and belief.
I first learned this word during a retreat I had with my fellow program volunteers. Our first afternoon together in the tranquil retreat center, we sat down and spoke of our experiences so far. Paola and Monica were the facilitators in this discussion, guiding us through the sharing this unique time in our lives.
Out of the numerous descriptive words we used, confianza was the one that truly stood out. Confianza in ourselves, confianza in other people and confianza in God.
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| Looking focused as Paola and Monica lead us in a discernment session in Colonia UY |
This word fascinated me with its layered meanings and due to it's significance to our group, I chose it to guide me this year. Furthermore, my personality is already pretty confident and open to trusting in the Divine and others.
Only a few days after New Year's Eve, I was doubting my word of choice. Maybe I should have chosen a theme that requires more active attention such as Patience or Time Management. A word that will drive me towards obvious improvement like Study or Exercise or Stop-Eating-So-Much-Dulce-De-Leche.
However, in this past week, I realized confianza is lacking in my life.
The first time I noticed it was when riding the bus to my worksite. I had stayed up too late and overslept, meaning I would be arriving 4 hours later than originally intended. There were no formal sessions or workshops this week but a group of us were cleaning and painting the building. Still, anxious thoughts filled my mind: what if they are upset I'm late? what if Rami tells another joke and I don't get it and don't laugh? what if doesn't tell a joke but I laugh thinking he did? do they think I am the worst volunteer since my Spanish is so bad? do they even like me? A large, irrational part of me simply wanted to return back to the comfort of my bed.
Yet, I realized how little trust I was having in the people at my work. Authentic people who have been nothing but kind, patient, and accepting. People who genuinely make me feel welcomed every time I enter the brightly colored doors. Not only was I lacking confidence in myself but also lacking trust in the people who have so graciously and very literally open their doors to me.
Another time, a few days later, I traveled to Buenos Aires for an acamparmento which was a camp for the high school youth of the IELU. I traveled alone, which is not uncommon, and I took the familiar bus, train, subway route to the station of Retiro to get on the train line towards the municipality of Hurlingham.
While the day before was in the mid-90s, this day was rainy and chilly, especially in my tank top and shorts. My morning became even grayer when I missed my stop on the train. After backtracking and spending an unneeded 10 pesos, I arrived to the right station. Quickly I realized how poor of quality my directions were and I wandered around for awhile, feeling too nervous to ask anyone for help and altogether bad.
There was a strong uncertainty in myself but also an unwillingness to trust in anything or anyone else. During this time, I berated myself for not understanding the directions before leaving the house, for not having the courage to ask someone for assistance and for not wearing a sweater.
I tried to clear my head and focus on whom I do trust, which is God. I have faith in a Creator, in a Supreme Being who is always with us, there to guide our feet and light our path. Yet in a time of anxiety I am so quick to close up, to focus only on what I can tangibly do to change my situation. Often we are believers during the bright, happy times yet chose to walk alone in the mud and the rain.
So I prayed. And I thought of all the people who are praying for me and how I am not alone spiritually even if I am physically a little lost, standing alone under an umbrella in an upscale neighborhood.
Unsurprisingly, a weight was lifted off me. Even though I was hours late and lost, I relaxed. I was able to admire the lush plants being nourished by the rain and the marvels of modern architecture. I was able to loosen up and ask a woman where a certain street was located. Then I asked someone else since I didn't understand the first person. By the time I made it to my destination, the doubts were quelled and I felt prepared to begin a fun weekend.
Confianza is something internal but certainly not a solitary road of self-improvement. Because in order to have it, others are a part of the equation. Trusting that a group of people will be authentic, open and wanting you to join. Trusting that no matter where you go - whether planned or by mistake - that a higher power is with you.
Chose a word to guide you and you may be surprised how much it is missing from your life.
