A Different Lakeshore

A secluded spot on Lake Erie

It has been...
40 days since I left my home in La Plata
30 days since I left Argentina
20 days since I returned to my home in Toledo.

These numbers are very orderly and neat for this space of time which has been so incredibly full of events and emotions. The one week of closing retreat in Buenos Aires, two weeks of travel and three weeks of readjusting to life in my childhood home holds quite a lot. I have went from winter to summer, from mountain ranges to sand dunes to cornfields and have engaged in many interesting conversations with unexpected people. Emotions have been all over the place including laughing while crying, crying while laughing and some surprisingly intense rage at people not holding doors open for others.

I am standing on a different shore these days - one in which the land is familiar yet the waters are mysterious and unsettled. Or perhaps it is my eyes that perceive things differently.

Upon returning home my expectations (those hopes/desires/worries which so often negatively impact how we enjoy the present) were actually amazingly accurate. The warmth of the summer sun, the familiarity of the city streets and the comfortability of being surrounded by people speaking my native tongue has been great. No words can describe the depth of my gratitude and love I felt while hugging my dad and kissing my mom after almost a year abroad. Being warmly welcomed home by my supportive and loving church community, sharing time with some of my dearest friends and walking my dog has all been indescribably wonderful. Small pleasures like seeing butterflies, using my coffee maker and eating fresh strawberries have been extremely rewarding.

Still, as days passed and the freshness of being back in the US wore off, so did some of the euphoria. I look around to such an immensely wealthy nation yet I know there are people in my very neighborhood lacking food. So many folks struggling to live healthy and fulfilled lives in a country that has so much. I am surrounded by corporations pushing me to consume and buy products that I don't need (with an estimated 5,000 advertisements a day). Now that the ads are in English again, they are much harder to tune out. I appreciate this culture that teaches self-sufficiency and independence yet I disagree with valuing speaking rather than listening, doing rather than being and individualism rather than community. These cultural values in particular are so deeply ingrained in us that we feel ashamed for silly things like taking a nap during the day or needing help from another person.

And though I truly love reconnecting with my friends and family, I am also heavy-hearted and missing those who became my friends and family in Argentina this past year.

This is a time of true transition for me. I'm happy to be back in this home and I'm sad that I said goodbye to that home. I miss Nahuel, Guada, Nico and the congregation of La Plata; I miss Sofia, Fiorela, Ari, the other kids at the comedor and my friends who put so much time and love into that community. I miss Pancha, the dog of the house and (most of) my housemates. I miss how Argentine people truly enjoy talking to strangers and that the world outside my front door felt friendlier. I miss the other American volunteers who are now back in there own home states, scattered across the US.

Yet I also feel this is exactly where I am meant to be currently. I am not supposed to throw myself into something new right away, forgetting the old. Nor should I suppress the feelings of loss as I step away from this experience. No, this is a time to slow down, to listen and to wait. To let the murkiness and emotions settle and see what rises in the wind. This is a time to listen to God, both inside myself and through the world around me to determine where I am called to go next.

It is a slow process of readjusting and integrating back into American society but I am not worried. This society urges us to move quickly but I am enjoying living a slower, simpler life before rejoining the workforce. I have faith that nature will move me along - my bicycle makes me feel healthy and happy but come winter I will be likely wanting to drive a car. Soon I should get a local phone number, go to the dentist and probably unpack that last suitcase. I am taking the days as they come, spending my time with people I care about, doing things I like and trying to deeply listen to myself and everything around me.

Because in this time period, my mid-twenties, I am making choices about my future that will lead me in a clear direction. My boat should not float around a harbor forever when there are so many winds to sail. It is time to think in the longer term, to ask what I should devote myself to and listen for the answer.

Friends, I do ask for your patience with me during this time. Maybe some days I will be overfilling with stories from this year and other times they will be locked in my daydreams. Maybe I will start too many sentences with "In Argentina..." or will not always be present. If you want to hear about my time away, I ask you to be detailed in your questions. When someone asks "how was your trip?" it is hard to give more than a one word answer. Questions like "who were some of the people you were closest to?" or "what did you do for Christmas" or "what was the city like" or "where did you see God" promotes deeper conversations.

Hopefully we can have a dialogue and not just me speaking! I want to learn about your life, your thoughts, your perspective and share equally in conversations. Because while I am full of stories and memories, I know that you are too. I want to know about the waters of your life, what your lakeshore looks like and what you are fishing for.

As for this blog, I will probably continue writing and updating. This part of my journey may be over but the next grand voyage in my life is just around the bend.

Thank you all for reading!

Big smiles from my dad, mom and Gina from the airport

Dad and Trixie

We value siesta in the Reason household

Video chatting with my best friend Caro who's serving arroz con leche at CUS <3 

To Express What We Feel

Fiorela and I (and Ariana peeking in the corner!)

One of the bazillion things I am grateful for this year is working with kids - and by 'work' I mean playing games, painting pictures and eating snacks. My role in the comedor Compartiendo Un Sueño in City Bell has been different throughout the year - from observer to participant to helper - and I can confidently say that I shared my presence and immersed myself into the dynamic life of this institution that is almost a family. In the beginning I was a especially strange stranger and now I am a part the community.

Working with kids has reunited me with many characteristics of my childhood self - although, perhaps that is a bit of an overstatement as I don't believe ever truly parted with many attitudes of my girlhood. I still eat cookies and milk, buying the Okebon brand which includes Adventure Time stickers, watch cartoons and I recently read A Wrinkle in Time. Yet it is not just preferences that indicate a connection to childhood but also a childlike enthusiasm and appreciation of the world.

It is true that I am a person who tries to actively notice the daily beauties of the world. I find myself collecting autumn leaves and watching ants, feeling like a child (yet when I showed Ariana the ants, she didn't look with curiosity but began stomping on them). Maybe these things are a signifier of youth or perhaps they are what an adult is conditioned to see as childlike.

Interesting that we equate simplistic and ordinary to childlike. As though things that are part of daily life are not full of complexities and wonder. Our systems and societies are complicated, mature concepts while things of childhood are simple; as easy as riding a bike. Yet the wind in your hair, the steady rhythm of the wheels and your legs burning as you peddle faster and faster can provoke multilayered feelings of exhilaration, freedom and nostalgia not easily defined or understood.

Childhood curiosity is more than just noticing the world; it is actively engaging, trying to absorb and experience all that surrounds you. It is to my advantage that I am from another culture; it increases my fascination and wonder in everything around me and little is mundane. Knowing that my time here is limited, I have had increased motivation to explore and engage. I have been on many solo adventures, especially in recent months, both in La Plata and Buenos Aires. I am always safe in my physical surroundings but going places alone feels daring socially. Some days it is merely walking to a different supermarket farther away from my house yet as I walk I actively admire the buildings, nature and people I pass.

This year has also reconnected me to some characteristics of childhood that are uncomfortable and challenging; a sense of vulnerability and a lack of control.

I suppose all foreigners feel a bit like children when they try to create a life in new place. Struggling to express ourselves through words and understanding very little of daily life does take us back to when we were children, seeking to understand a world built by adults. In comparison to the people around me - especially in the beginning - I know very little, like a confused child (although they usually know more). We are dependent on others around us, frequently needing to ask for help and vulnerable in our lack of knowledge and capability. This is something United States culture is firmly against and I had to recognize this cultural belief within myself. It is still essential to remind myself that to be dependent is not weakness and vulnerability is a strength, not a problem or a flaw. It is not a bad thing to ask for help.

Furthermore, I did not expect I find myself having emotional reactions with a childlike sensitivity. When someone smiles at me on the bus, it brightens my day and when the owners of my favorite produce place learned my name, I was happy for weeks. The hope and excitement of being invited by a friend for lunch or to go to the plaza is surprisingly intense. Drawing pictures or playing hide-and-seek with the kids are not just fun times but sources of deep contentment that are lasting nourishment for my week.

Yet the unpleasant feelings are sharp and vivid as well. When someone cancels plans or an event is rained-out it creates a dour mood that can last for days. While I can understand the reasons why with adult logic, it does not stop my emotional reactions which are often times more dramatic than I expect.

Missing the origami swan this sign hangs in CUS

During my first weeks of attending the comedor, one specific decoration that grabbed my attention was a paper crane hanging from the ceiling with a sign above that said to express what we feel. At first it made me think of the pure honesty of children. Same as in English, there are countless ways to ask people how they are doing in Argentina and the standard, unthinking response is 'bien'. Only young children are open and willing to say that they are feeling terrible and the reasons why their day was bad.

Yet the more I learned of the families of the comedor and the poverty they live in, the more I understood that the children truly struggle with expressing and understanding their emotions. Many times when the young kids are being corrected and told not to do something, they will laugh; not because they find it funny but out of embarrassment. Pushing and shoving each other is much more likely than crying although both are reactions to hurt. Last week a teenage boy was heartbroken over his girlfriend breaking up with him; yet the only acceptable emotion is anger - never tears or sadness. I wonder how many of their defensive reactions are behaviors learned from others and if they truly understand what they are feeling.

And how much more is below the surface that I can not see or come anywhere close to comprehending? Even if I spoke perfectly I could never know how it feels to live a life lacking in the security of warm clothes or healthy meals. Furthermore, poverty typically involves many other problems such as substance abuse, violence in the home and mental health problems. People of all ages and backgrounds can struggle in understanding their emotions and expressing them in honest and healthy ways yet marginalized communities have further difficulties.

Pedro leading the drumming workshop. This group is made up primarily of the boys of the neighborhood which is wonderful as they typically do not attend the other workshops such as art or dance. In this safe, consistent space they do not cause problems in the street but instead express themselves through drumming.

Without a doubt emotions are strange and mysterious. Sometimes I go to the park feel radiant with gratitude for the sunshine, the birds singing and the kids playing; other times I can feel wistful for my own childhood and once in a while I can feel a fierce longing for my friends and my family or something else seemingly unrelated. The situation can be the same yet the emotions invoked comes not from my mind but from my spirit, The Spirit, within me which I can not predict nor compel into behaving as I would like.

Fortunately, humans have always recognized art as essential to the spirit. Compartiendo Un Sueño has weekly painting, percussion, dance, cooking, and ceramics workshops to give the children spaces to express. The building itself has been painted by true artists such as Caro's colorful tree and owls and Raul's corn and mandala. The people who volunteer at the comedor are consistent, forming good relationships where conversations of all kinds are always encouraged. Yet it is also recognized that words are not the only way to express complex emotions.

Personally, I have rediscovered my love of creating art and music. I learned a little guitar in the beginning of the year (I had an excellent teacher but was a bad student), created over a dozen different ceramics and I am currently painting pictures for people before I end my program year. With others I am welcomed into participating in all forms of art, allowing me to communicate without words. From drawing pictures for the kids to color to singing during worship at church, I am given the space and tools to explore my emotions. Sometimes I do not exactly understand what I am feeling or why I feel a certain way, relating to the children I see daily. Yet, I do believe that my spirit is given the freedom to explore and express itself through the different mediums of art. The ability to create is a gift from God to connect to the emotions within ourselves and to connect to the hearts of others.

I enjoyed decorating and creating art for my bedroom

Caro, Ale and Isa at the painting workshop

Fiorela looking at the freshly painted CUS

Lautaro and Luxor painting the mural

Santi in ceramics

The Yankee's Guide to Yerba Mate

...or how I fell in love with the cultural phenomenon of sharing mate.


First, living away from my home city for the first time, in a foreign country no less, has revealed to me how much I depend on others. I am truly grateful for so many of you who have been supportive and loving this year. Having people to talk to when I am down, friends who visit my parents, and folks sharing words of encouragement and prayers continues to give me comfort and hope. I am particularly touched at the support and affirmation I receive after my last correspondence where I shared a little of what it is like living as an open lesbian in a Lutheran program here in Argentina. You have shared your light of love and acceptance in my life and I am very grateful.


When I return to the US a plan of mine is to meet with many of you and share mate (or coffee, tea, tacos, ice cream - I am not picky). Mate, pronounced mah-tay, is one of the most popular drinks in Argentina, Uruguay, Paraguay, Southern Brazil and is consumed year round by people of all backgrounds. It is a drink similar to tea but made of the yerba plant which gives the drink it's bitter, herbal flavor; although other plants can be added to alter the taste. The drink is caffeinated with a different caffeine compound than coffee so the energy it gives is less of a powerful jolt and more of a long-lasting effect. I do not allow myself any mate after 8pm or I won't be able to sleep until after midnight!


The act of preparing and serving mate is considered by many an art instead of a task. Although there is yerba in teabags, called mate cocido, typical yerba is drank out of a gourd or glassware also called a mate. There are many different kinds and styles ranging from squash gourds, wood, glass, metal, ram horns, plastic and silicone. The yerba goes into the mate loose leaf and the straw filters the liquid.

Metal Bombillas (pronounced bom-bee-shas)

The bombilla, or straw, is made of metal and reusable. At the bottom there is a filter which separates the yerba from the drink. There are various styles and designs of bombillas depending on the size of the mate and the consistency of the yerba. For example, the silver bombilla in the photo above is larger in size and has bigger holes as it is made for less finely ground yerba and a larger vessel.

The first step in preparing mate is filling your mate about 3/4's full of yerba because the water will make it expand some. Mates are typically fairly small and the usually hold 4 or 5 big sips each serving.

You want to cover the top of the mate with your hand and turn it over, lightly shaking it. This is so the finer pieces and powder fall to your hand meaning that the bigger pieces are toward the bottom of the mate, preventing the bombilla from getting clogged.

The next step is to create a pocket for the bombilla. You want to use a little water, some prefer cold while others use hot, to slowly wet the edge of the yerba, making a nice little hole for your bombilla.

The matanero or matanera is the server of mate and is in charge of filling it for each person, passing it in rotation and adjusting the bombilla. They always have the first drink of mate to make sure that the temperature and bombilla placement is correct (and usually get yerba in their mouths).

As you can see, only the area around the bombilla has had water poured on it. That is because it is very important not to drown the yerba by pouring too much water or in too many different areas or else the flavor will be ruin. Furthermore, the water should never be boiling or it would ruin the taste (and burn your taste buds).

You can also add sugar which is especially popular teenagers who are just starting to drink mate. There are many different brands that offer bold, strong flavors as well as smoother, softer yerba. Also, there is flavored yerba like orange or grapefruit and yerba mixed with herbs such as chamomile or mint. Sometimes this is for specific aliments like nausea and sometimes just for taste, 

Juan Pablo, Ivan, Leandro, Rodolfo, me and Carlos were all excited I wanted to serve mate after church

Mate is one of my favorite traditions here because it is an act of community and sharing. The mate is passed around the circle and all are invited to share regardless if you are close family or if you just met. It may seem unusual to people of the US who don't want to share straws with their friends much less strangers but here we trust that if someone is sick they will not participate. There is a strong cultural attitude of sharing here in almost everything food related - I have had children from disadvantaged backgrounds share their cookies and potato chips with me and everyone around them without any prompting.

Mate is sharing in more than a drink; it is sharing conversation and time together. It is drank when taking a break from work or sitting in a plaza with friends. I have engaged in lighthearted jokes and funny stories, serious debates on the state of the society; yet sharing in tranquil conversation with easy silences is the most typical way the time passes. In the beginning it was something strange and uncommon but now I have drank mate thousands of times and in a circle with hundreds of people (not all at the same time though).

Every Sunday after church service everyone is invited to share mate in the church office and we catch up on each others' lives. I drink it daily with my friends at my work and share it with my housemates in our patio or in the plaza. It has been part of so many moments this year; as I take the drink home with me, I will take the memories as well.

Every store sells lots of yerba but the aisle at Walmart is extra impressive

Nichole and Rosita drink mate tereré in the summer

First week in Buenos Aires, I drink mate in the winter

Michaela and Beatriz like mate

Kitty likes mate

Even Pope Francisco likes mate

Any questions or criticisms (looking at you Argentine friends) please leave a comment below!

Want to learn more about the YAGM program? Please check out the Young Adults Global Mission page on the ELCA website.

Les? Bien!

An American in Argentina
Journey with Joy

Newsletter May 2018

Les? Bien!

In the busy months before leaving for Argentina (which now feels incredibly far away) one of the many preparations and considerations for the year ahead were the clothes I was packing and if I wanted to alter my style. It was not that I planned to break out my thrift store rose corduroy bell-bottoms (although I am waiting for them to come back into fashion daily); instead I was contemplating getting a shorter, boyish haircut or a rainbow flag tattooed on the back of my neck. I was considering adopting a more masculine style and dress so people would not assume I am heterosexual and rightfully suspect that I am a lesbian. 

LGBTQ Pride Flag under the Argentine Flag at the Facultad de Bellas Artes

I, Joy A. Reason, declare myself a lady-loving lesbian to all; even to those uncomfortable with it (and especially guys looking for a date). This is not the first time I make a public announcement of whom I am attracted to and it will not be the last. Strange that folks need to come out of the closet and make statements about their private lives if they are not straight. Then again, we live in a world where thousands of LGBTQ people live in danger of being themselves; that I can publicly be myself is truly a privilege.

I am assumed to like men due to my choices in makeup, high heels and a style typically considered girly which does not fit the lesbian stereotypes. People are defaulted to be straight in our heteronormative society, especially if they fit the traditional gender roles. Furthermore, as a member of a religious organization and a missionary with the Lutheran Church being gay may seem like a major contradiction and even incomprehensible.

As a whole the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America is an open and accepting body that welcomes people of many sexualities and identities, recognizes and performs marriages between same-sex couples and ordains pastors who identify as gay, queer, lesbian, bisexual and other non-heteronormative identifications. It is near impossible to reduce such complexities to simple statements but the idea is everyone is welcomed into the body of Christ as children of God. Official language and stances of the church regarding human sexuality was published in a set of ordinances passed in 2009. More information on this comprehensive statement can be found here ELCA Human Sexuality.

Very often people from all religious backgrounds are surprised of the progressive attitudes of the ELCA. However, this statement also gave individual congregations the freedom to be as conservative and traditional as they choose or feel they need to be. There is no consensus on concepts of human sexuality and morality in regards to the biblical scriptures and Christian tradition. The church calls for mutual respect and for guidance that seeks the good of all; this includes honoring the beliefs of people from the LGBTQ community as well as those who believe being gay is a choice and a sin.

As a teenager I struggled with understanding myself and my sexuality for a long time, especially in accepting that it was ok for me to be gay. I completely embraced dear friends identifying queer but I wasn’t sure if it was ‘right’ for me to be that way. While I firmly believed that God created all my beloved friends exactly how they were meant to be, I questioned if that applied to myself as well. It took years of questioning, trial-and-error, and a life-long crush on Luna Lovegood to come to terms that being queer is part of my identity: it is unchangeable and it is beautiful.

Embracing the gay in the West Village, New York City in March 2017

Author Nina LaCour says “People talk about coming out as though it’s this big one-time event. But really, most people have to come out over and over to basically every new person they meet” which was one of the truest statements I have ever read. I naively expected that after I posted about my sexuality on Facebook that no longer would I need to explain who I date or how I identify. But actually when you are constantly assumed to be something you are not than if you do not explain the truth it feels like you are hiding a part of yourself.

I wasn’t sure if I wanted to hide a part of myself away during this year of relationship forming and integrating into a community. After sending my application to the Global Mission office, I sent an email to the director of the YAGM program, Julie Rossate, sharing my thoughts.

I wrote “At first I thought I would prefer to stay quiet about my sexuality if I was offered participation in this program. I am a feminine woman who understands that different cultures have varying ideas of what is acceptable or allowed in society. I am confident that I can live in a society that believes being queer is immoral or wrong. Not that it would be easy to live like that but in reality it's another societal ill - along with racism, sexism, and classism - that is a part of this world. However, I realize I may be (grudgingly) accepting of homophobia in a large society, I can not say that about my community. I want to be a part of a community where I can be honest with myself and with who I am. I know that there are likely people in every community, including in my daily life in America, against LGBTQ rights and people and that is somehow tolerable. Many of these people need education or exposure to change their heart. However, I would not want to be placed in a community where everyone believes that it is a sin to be gay. I would want to be able to be open about my sexuality to at least a few of my brothers and sisters, to the people I share my daily life with.”

The Young Adult in Global Mission program has been refreshingly thoughtful and accommodating to LGBTQ folks. From a support group made of past YAGMs that met at different times during events to a session discussing discrimination and dangers LGBTQ people face in society during orientation. There are quite a few site placements and countries programs that are not favorable for those who identify as not hetrosexual yet every year the program is looking to expand to friendlier and safer sites. I have been extremely fortunate to have been able to be placed in Argentina and with the Lutheran church of the IELU which are open and accepting of the LGBTQ community.

As a person part of a marginalized community I am typically cautious of how I speak of my sexuality. A common question I am asked when people first meet me, besides what state I am from and if there is snow, is “tenes un novio?” which is if I have a boyfriend. When I first arrived and was unsure of the climate of the culture I would answer “no, no tengo una novia”; it was assumed that I misspoke as I changed the -o to an -a, not that I was saying that I did not have a girlfriend. Now, with more confianza in myself and the people around me, I actively explain that no, I am interested in women.

Depending where I am at I get a lot of different responses. The first person I told at my work at the community center was Auxi who teaches in homework help; she said "Que linda!" which is “how pretty!” or “how great!” and a phrase used quite often in Buenos Aires. Compartiendo Un Sueño is a organization centered on children and there I get the most questions about my life from kids and adult alike. They are all asked with innocent curiosity and a genuine interest in learning more. I truly love answering and entering dialogue with them because I know I can share my unique experience and some of my culture with them just as I learn so much from them daily. The most remarkable thing is that it is not a big deal at all; it is stranger that I can not roll my R’s than whom I date.

While I am always willing to engage in dialogue with people who only know of lesbians from television and stereotypes, it can be relieving to not be a spokesperson and just be myself. A significant moment this year was when talking to my housemates in casual conversation, I mentioned to them that I do not date men and my friend Pilar said in an offhand way (in English) "I know it". It was refreshing to not need to explain or go into detail but that this part of my identity is already common knowledge and accepted as a part of me.

During the month of January there was an accampartmento with the youth of the IELU in Greater Gran Buenos Aires. Pastor Ava, Pastor Daniela, myself and 7 teenagers slept in tents, had water balloons fights and made friendship bracelets during this fun week. Teenagers are remarkably similar across cultures like the boys scaring the girls and everyone wanting to explore the old creepy house on the property. Something I was not used to was that the teenagers planned their own devotions. The theme of the week was “Una Cultura de Paz” or a Culture of Peace and it was up to them to decide what that personally meant to them

The first day was centered on violence and they planned devotions and skits that explored this strong topic. The next day they planned a devotion on identity and being different in sexuality or gender. They discussed how it must be difficult to live within society and how people can be considered weird, immoral, sick and outsiders. Pastor Daniela lead them in thought provoking questions like how jokes may be very harmful or how people can use the Bible or Christianity to harm others rather than love others. I shared that I identify as a lesbian, some of the complexities of sexual orientation and appearance and of living as a Christian in a world where those identities do not seem to match. I was wonderfully embraced by all in the group, both in body and spirit.

Having positive and accepting experiences this year has been both healing and affirming. It is true that not all people of the IELU or all Argentines are so accepting but I have been blessed to inhabit a place where I can totally be myself. I felt no need to avoid the truth when talking to an elderly lady or awkwardly joke when asked about having a boyfriend. Every encounter I reveal this part of myself carries some sort of risk; a risk of criticism, of being labeled as unnatural or a sinner or moral corrupted. What is interesting is that I am more vulnerable in many ways in my life here yet more confident in revealing my sexuality.

It is not the fact that Argentina legalized same-sex marriage 5 years before the US did or that the IELU released a similar statement with stronger language just one year after the ELCA (IELU Mismo Sexo) that makes me feel more comfortable. It is that I have needed to trust others more in my daily life; from small things like asking strangers directions to the bus stop but also scary things like trusting others with the knowledge that I am different from them. Trusting that even if people do believe I am morally wrong in my lifestyle or mentally confused that I will be shown respect, acceptance and hopefully love.

Today I trust you all to do the same. I may have anxiety of getting bible verses thrown in my face or gossip being passed around. There is even the fact that some of you may want to disengage and no longer want to follow my journey. But my heart knows that I have so many walking alongside me no matter what my sexual identity is.

My supportive CUS friends Auxi, Caro, Lauty,Paula, Olga and Rami

Turn Around

Taken at the Bosque in La Plata. The horses were not tied up, just enjoying the day as well.

Some mushrooms I found in the forest. I did not eat them because mushrooms taste bad.

Tranquil beauty away from the city.

Hola everyone!

Hope you are enjoying the changing of seasons, whether it is fresh springtime with flower buds or the colorful trees of otoño as I see here in Argentina. This post is a little bit later than intended and not originally planned but I have had a busy few weeks. The universities began classes so my city has been extremely active with the dynamic student population. The plazas are again filled with young people sharing mate and music is heard from various apartments all the days late into the night. Also, there is the knowledge that I only have a few months left in my communities and with my friends so I try to be as active as possible and fully enjoy each day.

When I reflect on the limited time I have left in La Plata (only 11 more Fridays!!) I ask myself if I have done everything I wanted and if I have been the person I intended to be. Before I packed my suitcases for this year of service, I had numerous plans for self-improvement. While I had the wisdom to enter my new communities with few expectations of the places or the people, I had many personal goals I wanted to execute during this time abroad.

In some ways focusing on myself is vital to living healthy. The times I have not paid attention to my emotional health were times of frustration and saying things I regretted. When I did not focus on maintaining good physical health I found myself eating delicious alfajores for dinner - only these sweet cookies and nothing more. Finding a balance between time alone and time cultivating relationships has been essential in feeling supported and loved while recharging my own energy. It is important to be self aware in order to make positive decisions and habits in regards to all dimensions of health.

Furthermore, I do try to challenge myself in order to promote growth. This year has been significantly slower paced than past years which has given me a lot more unstructured time. I have learned to cook different recipes, rediscovered my love of reading and have made crafts such as a pillow out of jeans or candle holders out of tuna cans. I honestly see many ways I have grown from a mixture of nurturing and pushing myself.

I am proud of my accomplishments which ranges from making a tasty zucchini lasagna for a special summer evening to talking to vendors at the park. I am full of successful moments and experiences and enjoy reflecting on my triumphs.

Yet what about the failures and times of struggles? Those days when dark thoughts fill my mind and the major accomplishment is washing my face and getting dressed in anything but sweatpants. Instances when I get into a depressive mood, a negative funk, and I focus on all the things I need to work on like my need to be more prompt, more honest, more structured and overall a better and improved Joy.

The idealistically made plans of self-help often quickly transforms into a mindset that I can and I need do everything and anything alone. The reason why I feel bad about myself is due to my own mistakes and shortcomings so it is my responsibility to correct this in myself. I made my bed and now I have to lie in it.

Perhaps there is some truth in personal responsibility but I believe it is, at best, isolating and unnecessary. So often are we are own harshest critics; we hold the highest standards, punish ourselves harshly and speak to ourselves with cruel words. When thoughts of myself are at the center of my life I can be wrongfully proud during the good times and painfully ashamed in periods of struggle.

Overly focusing on myself not only distances me from the people around me but also from God.

I become closed from my friends and loved ones when I get stuck on myself. When we are ruminate on our flaws or act like we alone accomplished our victories, we are turn away from connection with people and with the Divine. How often does my desire for independence cause me to only see my own lonely steps and ignore others walking alongside me?

On Viernes Santo, Good Friday, I spent the evening at a nearby church; after the mass we went on a Camino de Cristo or a Christ Walk. While I did not know the Catholic prayers or understand all of the songs, I felt connected with this varied group who gathered to remember the path Jesus walked. I saw the yellow leaves fall with the wind under the streetlight and I thought of death. I could see the constellation of el Cruz de Sur along with Orion in spaces of sky between the apartment buildings, reminding me where I stand on Earth. I stumbled in my platforms boots on the uneven sidewalk but two women steadied me, not allowing my to fall. I thought of community and togetherness and how Jesus came not for the Chosen People but for all. He came for all us broken people and we do not need to hide our imperfections and flaws even though we try to so desparately.

This post is a break within my series on poverty because for a moment I was so focused on my own short-comings and failing that I hesitated in speaking out against injustices within our world. I felt that it was hypocritical to use my words to criticize sinfulness when I myself constantly turn away from God.

Yet I read a powerful quote from the inspirational Reverend Dr. Martin Kuther King Jr the other day. "An individual has not started living until he can rise above the narrow confines of his individualistic concerns to broader concerns of all humanity".

We will never be able to become the improved, idealized people that we imagine and, like children, we will always be stubbornly trying to do things our own way. Time and time again do we have to realize that we are making ourselves the center of our lives and we will then need to turn around towards God and our loved ones.

Because if we stop focusing on our own solitary life than we can clear our eyes and see this beautiful world bursting with life. We can open our eyes to the suffering and pain but also to the hope, laughter and love that so vibrantly fills this world. We can open our hearts to those suffering and open our mouths against injustice.

Turn around with bright eyes away from yourself toward something more.


(Emotionally singing Bonnie Tyler can be the first step in turning around)

Poor of Spirit

Maybe you are searching for the feminine in God like in Nuestra Señora de Guadalupe at Cathedral of La Plata

This is an age that places the highest value on certainty. We want our leaders bold and unfailing in their convictions and prefer politicians who are confident and refuse to be questioned. Technology and the internet has made the practice of fact-checking easier than ever (yet somehow presenting articles with conflicting information). People are criticized for questioning our social institutions because of our unwillingness to be uncertain or critical of such important parts of our communities. Even many of our institutions that acknowledge the supernatural and the sacred push the idea of an irrefutable certainty of beliefs.

As the week that Christians call Holy Week is upon us, I wanted to speak about the poor of spirit. My last two blogs in this series on poverty have focused on economic poverty, something near and dear to my heart. Yet I am also a deeply spiritual being that aches at the disconnection that exists between our religious communities and folks searching for food for the soul.

I believe there is a spark within, something I call a soul and that we are not just functioning nervous systems controlling our limbs and organs. We are not our thoughts or our memories or our bodies but something else. A heart, a soul, an essence that is created by someone or something Divine. This belief of a sacredness within would have existed without my religious background.

I have been beyond fortunate to have been raised in a religious community that fed me nourishing words of love, hope and acceptance. I believe that even if I was not brought up in a community of faith, I would have still searched for something to satisfy my spiritual needs. Being spiritual does not necessarily mean being religious. Religion, which has been a part of humankind for over 100,000 years, creates a unifying system that has three elements: the sacred, beliefs and practices and a moral community.

While I see many wonderful elements of faith communities such as the abundance of friendship, guidance, and comfort, I understand how many people have been deeply hurt by organized religion. Churches have been exclusive, judgmental, and self-righteous. The same people who are marginalized in society are often on the margins in our religious communities as well. I know many individuals who had toxic experiences with organized religion which have put them off religious communities in their adulthood.

However, the need to have absolutes is another factor that drives people away from religion. On one hand, religion gives explanation and a type of peace to the chaos that is our world. We live in a scary place full of heartbreak, injustices and extreme inequality; we crave something that makes sense of both the pain and the joy that we experience. However, we are also unwilling to not have all the answers.

Perhaps you have heard someone (other than Drake) say it was "God's Plan" in the face of a tragedy or that "everything happens for a reason". I see this need to justify terrible events as more for the person giving comfort than the person who is experiencing the devastation. When a religious person say these types of statements to a person experiencing great loss it creates the image that God is making you feel pain for a reason. This idea that God is inflicting this on you personally leads to the thought that you did something wrong or bad to have caused this event.

A better alternative is I don't know. I don't know why that drunk driver hit you car. I don't know the reason why you had a miscarriage. I don't know why your child has cancer or your father died when you were young or you are suffering with depression. Because tying to answer these questions is something we will never be able to do in this lifetime and using God's rightness as an excuse is wrong. God should not be seen as the Punisher but of never-ending compassion, love and grace.

Besides the certainty some try to promote during time of darkness, there is also the hesitance of questioning anything at all. When someone starts questioning if the bible is God's perfect word they may not share that with their Christian community and instead stop attending bible study. When someone is looking for the feminine in God and Christianity they may withdraw from the Church in search of satisfying their spiritual needs elsewhere. Someone who is doubting the existence of God may leave their circle of religious friends out of fear of being forced fed their explanations and beliefs.

In Jesus' famous Sermon on the Mount he says "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven" in Matthew 5:3. This is a message for those questioning God. Jesus is saying it is fortunate to be uncertain in religious laws and promises because the alternative is being so sure in your convictions that you are closed off from others and from God.

The poor in spirit, the ones questioning faith are suffering as they challenge the world and what they determine to be the truth within themselves. Yet they are rich in their uncertainty; they do not settle for a religious teaching which does not ring true to their souls. They question religious institutions that speak words of exclusiveness, superiority and promote blindness to social issues.

For the readers who are strong in their convictions: please be patient and open to those uncertain in their beliefs. Perhaps you will be moved by their faith journey.

For the readers who are unsure what or if you believe in anything: listen and care for that voice within. Acknowledge that there are forces in life you do not understand. Do not be afraid to read, visit, and interact with other religions or spiritual practices. Understand that there are non-judgmental people willing and wanting to be a part of your exploration.


Muchas gracias for reading!! See you next with part four of my series on poverty!

A Crying Shame (whatever that means)

Shame can make you feel alone - like waiting for the Line C in Buenos Aires early New Year's Day

The American Heritage Idioms dictionary defines 'crying shame' as an unfortunate situation. It is a term suggested to have come from the now obsolete to cry shame upon, meaning to express vigorous disapproval. These days we refer to both mild annoyances and tragic circumstances as 'a shame', sometimes add 'crying' for dramatic or humorous effect. 'It's a shame that I broke my watch' and 'it's a shame that the family died in the fire' are very similar except the seriousness of the situation.

Yet more and more I like the original expression - it truly gets the gravity and heaviness of what we call shame. Shame is the painful feeling or experience that makes us believe that we are flawed; that something we've experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection, love and belonging. Shame has been described more as an experience than a feeling - a flush of heat reddening your face, feeling sick to your stomach and mortifying embarrassment.

The research of Brené Brown, esteemed social researcher and author, is the basis for much of my understanding of shame and how it is used in our society. Through years of research and interviews with people of all ages and backgrounds, one of the findings is that shame is a powerful isolating force that can only be healed through connection and empathy.

We all have felt shame throughout our lives and people feel shame for different reasons. For one person, something insensitive may be brushed off or met with embarrassment. For another, it can deeply wound.

One example is when discussing weight and diet. Let's say a coworker sees their colleague eating fast food a few times during the week and says something like "Wow, you are lucky your body can handle that. I would look like a cow in no time with that diet". Someone who has a positive view of their body may be able to just roll their eyes and let the insidious comment go. However, another might have struggled all their life with their weight and body image - they may remember the mean nicknames, diets their parents implemented, and the sense that they are ugly because they were/are overweight. This type of comment could be very harmful and shameful, leaving the person feeling raw and exposed.

People can feel shame about their bodies, professional life, romantic life, parenting, and more. Nobody wants to discuss the things they feel shame about because sharing vulnerabilities is risky. To open up about our deep hurts - how we feel like a failure and an outsider with something wrong with us- is completely terrifying.

Yet it is necessary. If we stay silent with our shame, our hurt grows. The only way to combat shame is emphatic connection - knowing that you are not alone.

Lástima

One night my friend Pilar and I was sitting on the terrace of our house, sharing a beer and discussing social problems in a mixture of English and Castellano. She said has lástima for the people who live in the streets and asked me the word in English. At the time, I did not know the translation but now I know that lástima means pity or shame.

Not only do I have pity for people suffering homelessness but I also feel immense personal shame when the topic arises.

(Actually, in my head and aloud, I often refer to them as 'homeless people' or 'the homeless'. The stress is on the word 'homeless' makes it seem more like an idea or problem than a group of people.)

I am ashamed when I cross the street to avoid being close to a person who appears homeless. I feel shame when I give women or children money but not to men, as if they are less deserving. There is shame when a homeless man says something to me and I ignore him. Sometimes I catch myself staring at whatever shelter or meager materials a person possesses in curiosity; then the feeling mortified if I catch their eye. During interactions, I become uncomfortable and can ignore someone asking me for money - looking right past them as if they are not flesh, blood and spirit like me.

I feel shame in my interactions but also that they live an unimaginably horrible life and I do not.

Much of this part of my shame is guilt. Shame is a focus on self while guilt is a focus on behavior. Shame is "I am bad" while guilt is "I did something bad". I have guilt that I did/do not help more to lift people out of homelessness. Guilt that I am outspoken, yet my actions do not match up to my statements as I would like. But there is also a sense of shame that I have good things and I am not worthy.

In order for humans to deal with such unpleasantness we blame, rationalize and create distance between us and them.

Using blame, I tell myself that they probably make a hundred dollars a day panhandling - ignoring their dirty clothes and sickly faces. I shouldn't give them anything; they will spend the money on drugs or booze anyways. I worked earned my money; the reason they're homeless is because they didn't work hard enough or save their money. This narrative we tell ourselves gives relief to our bad feelings and a logical excuse to not help people in the streets.

We also take great pride in our community's outreach even if we do not know much about the organization. We give ourselves a pat on the back for all the work our centers do even if we have never seen or know the services and functions.

We carry an image the promotes the idea that homeless people are dangerous or criminals. An poorly dressed, unstable man who mumbles to himself is a classic stereotype of a person who lives in the streets. There is some validity in that image as many people who are homeless also suffer from mental health problems and poverty is a factor in crime. However, this stereotype can be used to exclude, judge, or harm someone unfairly.

Furthermore, a homeless person can be the decently dressed kids on the bus or the woman selling soap in front of the cathedral. People experiencing homelessness can be sleeping in their cars, living out of motel rooms, or couch surfing. They also can be actively attending school, college or a job. When you close the distance and realize that people suffering homelessness are a lot like you, it can make you fearful, anxious but also more likely to see the people for who they are instead of their living conditions.

Shame makes me want to turn away from homelessness because of the overwhelming complexities it makes me feel. Only through admitting these feelings to others can we discuss the shame regarding homelessness. Once we see that we are turned in on ourselves, we can begin learning, listening and reaching out to truly connect and help others.

Owning Shame

While we are ashamed of ourselves in certain social situations, we also have the experience of being shamed from others. This is when someone actively makes you feel wrong or flawed which disconnects you from the others who are 'normal'. It can be with direct statements or jokes or can be through subtle messages. People with the best intentions can make someone feel ashamed or it can be someone hurting and looking to hurt others. It can be two guys making fun of a third when he shared that Where the Red Ferns Grows made him cry as a kid or a group of women for chastising a new mother for choosing to go back to work after childbirth.

Our society - through advertising, media and stereotypes - also feeds of countless messages that we are not enough.

A person who grows up in a disadvantaged neighborhood can feel ashamed of their circumstances from a young age. Even if their peers are from the same area, there is still the certainty that being poor is bad which means you are bad. Some of the damaging messages from the world are that your parents are lazy, being poor means you are dirty or stupid and that you can be only happy with a nice house and expensive things.

It is the painful truth that having insufficient income for living comfortably results in a less healthy life with less opportunities. Also, in areas of low income and poverty there are other toxic issues such as high unemployment, poorly funded public schools, lack of accessibility to healthcare and high crime rates.

However, instead accepting the shame put upon them, I see people proudly claiming their culture. They have a different identity from people of other neighborhoods and social classes but they share the culture of the neighborhood. Many poor people take the negative opinions and criticisms, remove or embrace the stigmas, and proudly represent their culture and experiences.

In the United States, I see a culture that emerged from the inner city or the 'hood'. From the inner city, which are communities predominantly POCs, the first jazz, rap, break-dancing and hip-hop emerged. Fashion, hair styles, slang, and other elements of culture that were once localized in a marginalized neighborhood moves to mainstream culture as the edgy, cool new thing (and often omitting where or whom these elements of culture came from). A lifestyle that celebrities imitate and the businesses of fashion and music capitalizes on it.

In Argentina there is also both shaming and celebrating the culture of the rough, poverty stricken neighborhoods called the villas (pronounced VEE-shas). Villas are dangerous, extremely poor areas that lack proper housing and sometimes basic services such as trash removal, ambulances, and police. The people from the villas face discrimination, hardships and severe lack of opportunities. Yet, parts of their culture such as the music of Cumbia Villera or the rap artist Duki are now mainstream and appreciated by many. Someone from the villas may feel ashamed of his home or education but he feels proud of his style and music. It certainly does not solve or address the bigger issues of poverty but maybe with possessing a strength in himself, the man from the villas can find the strength to take on the larger issues in the world.

For shame to thrive it needs 3 things: secrecy, silence, and judgement. Maybe the reason I am so ashamed to discuss how I feel about people suffering homelessness is because it's something not polite or proper to talk about. We can talk about homelessness in abstract terms but we are never encouraged to befriend these people on the margins.

Perhaps people from disadvantaged neighborhoods have figured out that speaking up is what kills shame. That sharing our wounds and sorrows with others builds strength, forms communities and creates a unifying force that drives actual social change.

There are countless things to cry shame upon in this lifetime. Will you keep your pain inside and isolate yourself? Or cry upon the shoulder of another and God to grow through you weakness?


Please watch Brené Brown's TEDtalk full of humor, heart and more of what I touched on.

Thank you for walking with me today. Feel free to share your thoughts, stories, disagreements or questions below, on Facebook or through my email. See you all next week!