A Crying Shame (whatever that means)

Shame can make you feel alone - like waiting for the Line C in Buenos Aires early New Year's Day

The American Heritage Idioms dictionary defines 'crying shame' as an unfortunate situation. It is a term suggested to have come from the now obsolete to cry shame upon, meaning to express vigorous disapproval. These days we refer to both mild annoyances and tragic circumstances as 'a shame', sometimes add 'crying' for dramatic or humorous effect. 'It's a shame that I broke my watch' and 'it's a shame that the family died in the fire' are very similar except the seriousness of the situation.

Yet more and more I like the original expression - it truly gets the gravity and heaviness of what we call shame. Shame is the painful feeling or experience that makes us believe that we are flawed; that something we've experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection, love and belonging. Shame has been described more as an experience than a feeling - a flush of heat reddening your face, feeling sick to your stomach and mortifying embarrassment.

The research of Brené Brown, esteemed social researcher and author, is the basis for much of my understanding of shame and how it is used in our society. Through years of research and interviews with people of all ages and backgrounds, one of the findings is that shame is a powerful isolating force that can only be healed through connection and empathy.

We all have felt shame throughout our lives and people feel shame for different reasons. For one person, something insensitive may be brushed off or met with embarrassment. For another, it can deeply wound.

One example is when discussing weight and diet. Let's say a coworker sees their colleague eating fast food a few times during the week and says something like "Wow, you are lucky your body can handle that. I would look like a cow in no time with that diet". Someone who has a positive view of their body may be able to just roll their eyes and let the insidious comment go. However, another might have struggled all their life with their weight and body image - they may remember the mean nicknames, diets their parents implemented, and the sense that they are ugly because they were/are overweight. This type of comment could be very harmful and shameful, leaving the person feeling raw and exposed.

People can feel shame about their bodies, professional life, romantic life, parenting, and more. Nobody wants to discuss the things they feel shame about because sharing vulnerabilities is risky. To open up about our deep hurts - how we feel like a failure and an outsider with something wrong with us- is completely terrifying.

Yet it is necessary. If we stay silent with our shame, our hurt grows. The only way to combat shame is emphatic connection - knowing that you are not alone.

Lástima

One night my friend Pilar and I was sitting on the terrace of our house, sharing a beer and discussing social problems in a mixture of English and Castellano. She said has lástima for the people who live in the streets and asked me the word in English. At the time, I did not know the translation but now I know that lástima means pity or shame.

Not only do I have pity for people suffering homelessness but I also feel immense personal shame when the topic arises.

(Actually, in my head and aloud, I often refer to them as 'homeless people' or 'the homeless'. The stress is on the word 'homeless' makes it seem more like an idea or problem than a group of people.)

I am ashamed when I cross the street to avoid being close to a person who appears homeless. I feel shame when I give women or children money but not to men, as if they are less deserving. There is shame when a homeless man says something to me and I ignore him. Sometimes I catch myself staring at whatever shelter or meager materials a person possesses in curiosity; then the feeling mortified if I catch their eye. During interactions, I become uncomfortable and can ignore someone asking me for money - looking right past them as if they are not flesh, blood and spirit like me.

I feel shame in my interactions but also that they live an unimaginably horrible life and I do not.

Much of this part of my shame is guilt. Shame is a focus on self while guilt is a focus on behavior. Shame is "I am bad" while guilt is "I did something bad". I have guilt that I did/do not help more to lift people out of homelessness. Guilt that I am outspoken, yet my actions do not match up to my statements as I would like. But there is also a sense of shame that I have good things and I am not worthy.

In order for humans to deal with such unpleasantness we blame, rationalize and create distance between us and them.

Using blame, I tell myself that they probably make a hundred dollars a day panhandling - ignoring their dirty clothes and sickly faces. I shouldn't give them anything; they will spend the money on drugs or booze anyways. I worked earned my money; the reason they're homeless is because they didn't work hard enough or save their money. This narrative we tell ourselves gives relief to our bad feelings and a logical excuse to not help people in the streets.

We also take great pride in our community's outreach even if we do not know much about the organization. We give ourselves a pat on the back for all the work our centers do even if we have never seen or know the services and functions.

We carry an image the promotes the idea that homeless people are dangerous or criminals. An poorly dressed, unstable man who mumbles to himself is a classic stereotype of a person who lives in the streets. There is some validity in that image as many people who are homeless also suffer from mental health problems and poverty is a factor in crime. However, this stereotype can be used to exclude, judge, or harm someone unfairly.

Furthermore, a homeless person can be the decently dressed kids on the bus or the woman selling soap in front of the cathedral. People experiencing homelessness can be sleeping in their cars, living out of motel rooms, or couch surfing. They also can be actively attending school, college or a job. When you close the distance and realize that people suffering homelessness are a lot like you, it can make you fearful, anxious but also more likely to see the people for who they are instead of their living conditions.

Shame makes me want to turn away from homelessness because of the overwhelming complexities it makes me feel. Only through admitting these feelings to others can we discuss the shame regarding homelessness. Once we see that we are turned in on ourselves, we can begin learning, listening and reaching out to truly connect and help others.

Owning Shame

While we are ashamed of ourselves in certain social situations, we also have the experience of being shamed from others. This is when someone actively makes you feel wrong or flawed which disconnects you from the others who are 'normal'. It can be with direct statements or jokes or can be through subtle messages. People with the best intentions can make someone feel ashamed or it can be someone hurting and looking to hurt others. It can be two guys making fun of a third when he shared that Where the Red Ferns Grows made him cry as a kid or a group of women for chastising a new mother for choosing to go back to work after childbirth.

Our society - through advertising, media and stereotypes - also feeds of countless messages that we are not enough.

A person who grows up in a disadvantaged neighborhood can feel ashamed of their circumstances from a young age. Even if their peers are from the same area, there is still the certainty that being poor is bad which means you are bad. Some of the damaging messages from the world are that your parents are lazy, being poor means you are dirty or stupid and that you can be only happy with a nice house and expensive things.

It is the painful truth that having insufficient income for living comfortably results in a less healthy life with less opportunities. Also, in areas of low income and poverty there are other toxic issues such as high unemployment, poorly funded public schools, lack of accessibility to healthcare and high crime rates.

However, instead accepting the shame put upon them, I see people proudly claiming their culture. They have a different identity from people of other neighborhoods and social classes but they share the culture of the neighborhood. Many poor people take the negative opinions and criticisms, remove or embrace the stigmas, and proudly represent their culture and experiences.

In the United States, I see a culture that emerged from the inner city or the 'hood'. From the inner city, which are communities predominantly POCs, the first jazz, rap, break-dancing and hip-hop emerged. Fashion, hair styles, slang, and other elements of culture that were once localized in a marginalized neighborhood moves to mainstream culture as the edgy, cool new thing (and often omitting where or whom these elements of culture came from). A lifestyle that celebrities imitate and the businesses of fashion and music capitalizes on it.

In Argentina there is also both shaming and celebrating the culture of the rough, poverty stricken neighborhoods called the villas (pronounced VEE-shas). Villas are dangerous, extremely poor areas that lack proper housing and sometimes basic services such as trash removal, ambulances, and police. The people from the villas face discrimination, hardships and severe lack of opportunities. Yet, parts of their culture such as the music of Cumbia Villera or the rap artist Duki are now mainstream and appreciated by many. Someone from the villas may feel ashamed of his home or education but he feels proud of his style and music. It certainly does not solve or address the bigger issues of poverty but maybe with possessing a strength in himself, the man from the villas can find the strength to take on the larger issues in the world.

For shame to thrive it needs 3 things: secrecy, silence, and judgement. Maybe the reason I am so ashamed to discuss how I feel about people suffering homelessness is because it's something not polite or proper to talk about. We can talk about homelessness in abstract terms but we are never encouraged to befriend these people on the margins.

Perhaps people from disadvantaged neighborhoods have figured out that speaking up is what kills shame. That sharing our wounds and sorrows with others builds strength, forms communities and creates a unifying force that drives actual social change.

There are countless things to cry shame upon in this lifetime. Will you keep your pain inside and isolate yourself? Or cry upon the shoulder of another and God to grow through you weakness?


Please watch Brené Brown's TEDtalk full of humor, heart and more of what I touched on.

Thank you for walking with me today. Feel free to share your thoughts, stories, disagreements or questions below, on Facebook or through my email. See you all next week!