Need for Stillness

This past year I have been keeping an unconventional journal. Originally, I wrote in it only when I was feeling down so the beginning pages are full of sad quotes, poems and long descriptions of my emotions (which I hope no one ever EVER reads). As time went on, I would write in my journal in all sorts of ways – sometimes I vented about a frustrating moment in my day, occasionally I would doodle pictures, and one month I wrote 3 things I was thankful for every morning as I enjoyed my coffee.

I even highlighted it!

As I was flipping through the last 2 months of pages I realized that my journal has morphed into To-Do Lists and schedules with sporadic entries about the people I love and the experiences I am grateful for. My frequently used words are “busy” and “to-do”; sticky notes of appointments are bright on the pages.

Without a doubt there is a lot that I want to accomplish in this limited time I have left in the United States. Yet what does being busy mean in my life?

Today, if you ask me what are my plans are for the week ahead I can talk for 5 minutes straight about the things I have to do and how my days are divided based on time for work, friends, family - even meals and showering have designated times. Most nights I think about what I need to accomplish the next day and those thoughts return in the morning when I first wake up. Sometimes it feel like my mind is overflowing with tasks and timetables.

Yet what does busy mean for my life when I look past the week-to-week?

More often than I would like to admit, it means that I look for ways to stay busy. I do not want to rest but I want to stay in motion. I will ride my bike around the neighborhood or walk the family dog if I have spare moments. Most importantly, I seek things to occupy my mind such as Netflix or scrolling through Facebook when I ‘relax’. I do not want to be still and let my mind go freely. When I actually take the time to slow down, to be still and to think then the thoughts that I have been pushing away come to mind. Did I say too much? I should have that done differently. I need to make plans with that person that I rarely see. What will my life be like in a year? Am I handling this the right way?

Actual writing from June

This wave of uncomfortable thoughts hits me so hard because I am refusing to confront the worries and anxieties. I stay busy to distract myself even if I am productive in my actions.

What I need to embrace is the quiet. I need to designate an hour or more for stillness and for listening. Humans are not meant to be in constant motion and our minds need a pause from distractions. People need time to listen to their inner voice, to God, to nature or whatever else they find in the stillness.

Because it is through quietness that we recharge and refocus. When I take time to be still, I look at my life and determine what actions am I doing to distract myself and what are the things that really fill my life. I want is a life that is full; of laughter, discussion, exploration, people and love. Fullness is different from busyness and it is through the still moments that I can reflect on how I truly want to spend my time.

What do you hear in stillness? Worries and anxieties? Past wounds and future uncertainties? Do you let yourself acknowledge the unpleasant thoughts and feelings?

Do other things come to mind? Maybe the sunrise makes you think thoughts of promise. Perhaps the night sky gives you a feeling of wonder and smallness. And maybe you think of nothing at all - you just be still and be present in the moment.

"note to self:

to genuinely appreciate life
and enjoy the process
of living, you must be
mindful, intentional, and 
patient. stop hurrying. 
honor the sacred act of 
taking your time." 
—Alex Elle 

The need for stillness has been made apparent in my life: through my journal, by seeing the quote above, and a realizing that scheduling my shower time is a bit ridiculous :)