Turn Around

Taken at the Bosque in La Plata. The horses were not tied up, just enjoying the day as well.

Some mushrooms I found in the forest. I did not eat them because mushrooms taste bad.

Tranquil beauty away from the city.

Hola everyone!

Hope you are enjoying the changing of seasons, whether it is fresh springtime with flower buds or the colorful trees of otoño as I see here in Argentina. This post is a little bit later than intended and not originally planned but I have had a busy few weeks. The universities began classes so my city has been extremely active with the dynamic student population. The plazas are again filled with young people sharing mate and music is heard from various apartments all the days late into the night. Also, there is the knowledge that I only have a few months left in my communities and with my friends so I try to be as active as possible and fully enjoy each day.

When I reflect on the limited time I have left in La Plata (only 11 more Fridays!!) I ask myself if I have done everything I wanted and if I have been the person I intended to be. Before I packed my suitcases for this year of service, I had numerous plans for self-improvement. While I had the wisdom to enter my new communities with few expectations of the places or the people, I had many personal goals I wanted to execute during this time abroad.

In some ways focusing on myself is vital to living healthy. The times I have not paid attention to my emotional health were times of frustration and saying things I regretted. When I did not focus on maintaining good physical health I found myself eating delicious alfajores for dinner - only these sweet cookies and nothing more. Finding a balance between time alone and time cultivating relationships has been essential in feeling supported and loved while recharging my own energy. It is important to be self aware in order to make positive decisions and habits in regards to all dimensions of health.

Furthermore, I do try to challenge myself in order to promote growth. This year has been significantly slower paced than past years which has given me a lot more unstructured time. I have learned to cook different recipes, rediscovered my love of reading and have made crafts such as a pillow out of jeans or candle holders out of tuna cans. I honestly see many ways I have grown from a mixture of nurturing and pushing myself.

I am proud of my accomplishments which ranges from making a tasty zucchini lasagna for a special summer evening to talking to vendors at the park. I am full of successful moments and experiences and enjoy reflecting on my triumphs.

Yet what about the failures and times of struggles? Those days when dark thoughts fill my mind and the major accomplishment is washing my face and getting dressed in anything but sweatpants. Instances when I get into a depressive mood, a negative funk, and I focus on all the things I need to work on like my need to be more prompt, more honest, more structured and overall a better and improved Joy.

The idealistically made plans of self-help often quickly transforms into a mindset that I can and I need do everything and anything alone. The reason why I feel bad about myself is due to my own mistakes and shortcomings so it is my responsibility to correct this in myself. I made my bed and now I have to lie in it.

Perhaps there is some truth in personal responsibility but I believe it is, at best, isolating and unnecessary. So often are we are own harshest critics; we hold the highest standards, punish ourselves harshly and speak to ourselves with cruel words. When thoughts of myself are at the center of my life I can be wrongfully proud during the good times and painfully ashamed in periods of struggle.

Overly focusing on myself not only distances me from the people around me but also from God.

I become closed from my friends and loved ones when I get stuck on myself. When we are ruminate on our flaws or act like we alone accomplished our victories, we are turn away from connection with people and with the Divine. How often does my desire for independence cause me to only see my own lonely steps and ignore others walking alongside me?

On Viernes Santo, Good Friday, I spent the evening at a nearby church; after the mass we went on a Camino de Cristo or a Christ Walk. While I did not know the Catholic prayers or understand all of the songs, I felt connected with this varied group who gathered to remember the path Jesus walked. I saw the yellow leaves fall with the wind under the streetlight and I thought of death. I could see the constellation of el Cruz de Sur along with Orion in spaces of sky between the apartment buildings, reminding me where I stand on Earth. I stumbled in my platforms boots on the uneven sidewalk but two women steadied me, not allowing my to fall. I thought of community and togetherness and how Jesus came not for the Chosen People but for all. He came for all us broken people and we do not need to hide our imperfections and flaws even though we try to so desparately.

This post is a break within my series on poverty because for a moment I was so focused on my own short-comings and failing that I hesitated in speaking out against injustices within our world. I felt that it was hypocritical to use my words to criticize sinfulness when I myself constantly turn away from God.

Yet I read a powerful quote from the inspirational Reverend Dr. Martin Kuther King Jr the other day. "An individual has not started living until he can rise above the narrow confines of his individualistic concerns to broader concerns of all humanity".

We will never be able to become the improved, idealized people that we imagine and, like children, we will always be stubbornly trying to do things our own way. Time and time again do we have to realize that we are making ourselves the center of our lives and we will then need to turn around towards God and our loved ones.

Because if we stop focusing on our own solitary life than we can clear our eyes and see this beautiful world bursting with life. We can open our eyes to the suffering and pain but also to the hope, laughter and love that so vibrantly fills this world. We can open our hearts to those suffering and open our mouths against injustice.

Turn around with bright eyes away from yourself toward something more.


(Emotionally singing Bonnie Tyler can be the first step in turning around)